i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
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