I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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