I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
