I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
