you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
