guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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