mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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