I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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