You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Randomize
