remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
