bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
