Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
