I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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