We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
