I haven't been this sober since birth.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
