Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
