morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
