I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
