When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
