i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
