Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
