I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
