I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
