I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
