I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
