I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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