can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
