Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
