I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
