why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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