M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
