you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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