Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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