I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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