FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
