Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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