He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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