Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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