In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
