I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Floor bacon is actually really good
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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