I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
