I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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