You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I can't trust your balls anymore.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
