i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
