Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
