I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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