Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
