Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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