Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
