You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
