Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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